This seems to strike me as a false dichotomy. Truly optimized dating SHOULD be authentic and unique.
Perhaps there is a general assumption that 'optimized' dating is about getting MORE matches, not getting the RIGHT match. Sure there might be some 'best' picture angle and 'best' profile that gets the most number of matches, but by definition that would be the most generically bland profile targeted at the lowest common denominator.
Of course having high quality photos with good lighting and shot composition is better, but that is not incompatible with being uniquely expressive and authentic with what you are doing in the photos. A great photo might be a candid of you dancing with a partner, whether it's a blurry dark handheld phone shot or a professional photography shot at a wedding. The professional shot makes it better but on a completely different axis than expressing your personality and fun hobbies.
This might help alleviate some of the guilt around 'optimizing' as well. If you precommit that your goal is to find one unique match rather than the maximum number of matches, you are no longer competing for the same fish and your success does not harm other people's success.
No need to feel bad about taking the short lane at the pharmacy if the other people wouldn't be able to get their prescriptions from that lane anyway.
> Perhaps there is a general assumption that 'optimized' dating is about getting MORE matches, not getting the RIGHT match
yea this is on the money
> Of course having high quality photos with good lighting and shot composition is better, but that is not incompatible with being uniquely expressive and authentic with what you are doing in the photos.
In my experience, the two biggest turn-offs for women are 1) arrogance, and 2) if you need their affection to feel validated. Overoptimizing your dating profile signals the second one, and this is why it doesn't work.
1) and 2) are the two sides of the same coin. What really helped me improve my love life was starting to focus on myself and stopping giving a fuck about being attractive and likable to everyone. The right mindset is to be satisfied with who you are, but to own your shortcomings and constantly strive to be a better person at the same time.
I stopped giving a fuck by learning to be comfortable with being alone. (My 8 years long relationship ended last year, so I forgot what being alone felt like.)
There is indeed an apparent contradiction as you point out, but there is also a resolution. For me, it is being kind and honest with myself. Acceptance comes from kindness, self-improvement comes from honesty.
This seems to strike me as a false dichotomy. Truly optimized dating SHOULD be authentic and unique.
Perhaps there is a general assumption that 'optimized' dating is about getting MORE matches, not getting the RIGHT match. Sure there might be some 'best' picture angle and 'best' profile that gets the most number of matches, but by definition that would be the most generically bland profile targeted at the lowest common denominator.
Of course having high quality photos with good lighting and shot composition is better, but that is not incompatible with being uniquely expressive and authentic with what you are doing in the photos. A great photo might be a candid of you dancing with a partner, whether it's a blurry dark handheld phone shot or a professional photography shot at a wedding. The professional shot makes it better but on a completely different axis than expressing your personality and fun hobbies.
This might help alleviate some of the guilt around 'optimizing' as well. If you precommit that your goal is to find one unique match rather than the maximum number of matches, you are no longer competing for the same fish and your success does not harm other people's success.
No need to feel bad about taking the short lane at the pharmacy if the other people wouldn't be able to get their prescriptions from that lane anyway.
it definitely is a false dichotomy lol
> Perhaps there is a general assumption that 'optimized' dating is about getting MORE matches, not getting the RIGHT match
yea this is on the money
> Of course having high quality photos with good lighting and shot composition is better, but that is not incompatible with being uniquely expressive and authentic with what you are doing in the photos.
yepppppp
In my experience, the two biggest turn-offs for women are 1) arrogance, and 2) if you need their affection to feel validated. Overoptimizing your dating profile signals the second one, and this is why it doesn't work.
1) and 2) are the two sides of the same coin. What really helped me improve my love life was starting to focus on myself and stopping giving a fuck about being attractive and likable to everyone. The right mindset is to be satisfied with who you are, but to own your shortcomings and constantly strive to be a better person at the same time.
ahahahahhhhhhhhh yeah i'm 2)
how'd you stop giving a fuck? it seems like this
> The right mindset is to be satisfied with who you are
and this
> but to own your shortcomings and constantly strive to be a better person at the same time.
are mutually exclusive to me
is it the kind of thing where you simply only do one at a time and maneuver between them with grace?
I stopped giving a fuck by learning to be comfortable with being alone. (My 8 years long relationship ended last year, so I forgot what being alone felt like.)
There is indeed an apparent contradiction as you point out, but there is also a resolution. For me, it is being kind and honest with myself. Acceptance comes from kindness, self-improvement comes from honesty.