Optimizing your dating profile, but remaining "authentic" | #18

it's all up to you - what do you actually want?

Welcome to the last part of my trilogy on vulnerability and dating!

In the first issue (#16), I published a story about my struggle with vulnerability. I concluded that it’s a tool and is neither Good nor Bad, but there are Good and Bad ways to be vulnerable.

In the second issue (#17), I tried to answer the question: What if you have to choose between Bad Vulnerability and No Vulnerability? Or is that a false dichotomy?

In this third issue (#18),

• A trip to the pharmacy

• My brother’s approach to dating profiles

• The two reasons I’m procrastinating on making my dating profile

  • Embarrassment

  • Guilt

• But what do I actually want?? (warning: Extreme Cheese)

A trip to the pharmacy

I went to the drive-thru pharmacy yesterday.

There were two lanes. The first lane had 3 cars. The second had none.

I wanted to use the second lane, but that seemed too easy. Why was no one in it? Is it closed?

Or was everyone assuming incorrectly that it was closed? I couldn’t tell.

Eh, worst case it's closed and I go around again.

I pulled into the second lane. "Here to pick up?" A voice said.

Eyyy 😎

After I finished, I felt a small mixture of embarrassment and and guilt.

My brother’s approach to dating profiles

My brother and I met up to take pictures of each other for our dating profiles.

I showed them to my roommate.

"You look SO serious in these. Smile! Have fun with it!"

He was right. Taking pictures felt awkward. I was in my head about it. Anyone looking at my pictures could tell.

A few days later, my brother texted me.

"Have you tested them on photofeeler yet?"

He kept raving about this website during our photoshoot.

“You put up photos and people rate how attractive, smart, and trustworthy you look. It's SO important. The pictures make a huge difference. You can jump 3 points by changing the angles and lighting."

He showed me some campaigns he ran on the site. (Blurred for anonymity.)

Wow, I thought. I better do that, too!

A few weeks later, my brother texted me again.

"Have you done it yet?"

"Yep!"

"Cool, have you gotten more matches?"

"Oh, I haven't put them on Hinge yet."

"What??? WHY NOT?"

"Idk."

I really didn't know. I was resisting hard, but I hadn't sat down and thought about why.

Then I thought back to the other day at the drive-thru pharmacy.

When I debated choosing the empty lane, I was afraid of looking dumb or impatient if the lane was closed.

But at the same time, it felt exciting and ambitious. Using the second lane of a drive-thru pharmacy might seem trivial, but to me it meant that non-trivial achievements were also possible. It was confirmation that I could do amazing things if I just chose to do them.

However, after I picked up my order, I thought about how I got done sooner than people who got there before me.

It didn't feel fair, but at the same time, if I didn't hop in that lane, someone else would have. They could have done what I did, but they didn’t.

The two reasons I’m procrastinating on making my dating profile

I feel the same two emotions about putting genuine effort into my dating profile: embarrassment and guilt.

Embarrassment

If I put in genuine effort, I am admitting that I would like to have a significant other.

I am putting that out into the world, which is uncomfortable because I open myself up to judgments.

People in the other line at the pharmacy might have thought I was impatient or over-eager. If I told people that I used photofeeler.com for my dating profile, maybe they'd think similar things.

I imagine people saying stuff like,

"Wow, you're having that much trouble with dating that you used a site like that?"

What if I pick the best pictures and write the best profile, only for her to be underwhelmed on our date? Or, worse, I come across as inauthentic?

Guilt

In high school, I learned about an idea called the tragedy of the commons. They used the following example:

Imagine you have a village that survives on fish from a nearby lake.

Everyone only fishes until they have what they need, so the fish can repopulate.

One day, someone gets greedy and starts taking more fish from the lake. It doesn't seem to affect the fish population that much, but other people notice.

Well if they're going to take more than their share, I am, too!

Before long, everyone starts taking more and the fish can't repopulate fast enough. It gets harder to find food, so everyone suffers.

That's what optimizing my dating profile feels like. Participating in the over-fishing of a lake.

I think about how, if everyone optimized their profile, the entire dating ecosystem would suffer.

What happens if we all start writing the same tried-and-true bios? And taking photos using the same angles?

What happens to quirkiness, originality, personality?

If we all "put our best foot forward" and include none of our flaws, doesn't it make it harder for us to get to know each other?

Am I okay with helping make the system worse?

Then again, like the pharmacy lanes, is that not just how the system is set up?

If the zombie apocalypse is coming, why not be the first to raid the grocery store?

What do I actually want??

It's possible probable certain that I'm over-thinking this. Maybe there's a world where I can optimize my profile but also be authentic and keep my uniqueness.

There's probably some truth to the over-fishing metaphor, but in this case, I'm using it as a scapegoat.

At the end of the day, I’m just afraid of putting myself out there. I need to figure out who I want to attract and optimize for that type of woman.

At first, when I asked myself who I wanted to attract, I drew a blank. I felt like I wanted everything. Or nothing? It was hard to tell.

But, when I started tapping into my Feelings, it all came out.

(warning: extreme cheese ahead)

Part of me wants romance and chemistry.

I want to listen so intently to her words and watch the way her face changes when she gets excited.

I want to be driving home at night from a 3rd date that lasted for hours, listening to Enchanted by Taylor Swift. I want to call my friends and give them the recap they've been waiting for.

I want to plan the best date she's ever been on. Not because it’s luxurious, but because it’s so thoughtful. Her kind of unique. I want her to be blown away over and over by all the small touches that make it a moment made for her and no one else.

I want to take her on double dates with my couple friends and go on double dates with her couple friends.

I want us to ask each other banal questions like, “If you were a vegetable, what vegetable would you be?” and get as silly as possible with our answers.

But I also want compatibility and growth.

I want to invest in someone. I want to be their #1 fan. I want to learn how they work and what makes them tick.

I want to be with someone who's self-aware. But I also want to, sometimes, know them better than they know themselves. I want to catch myself thinking, oh, she would love that, or I know exactly what she'd say to that.

I also want someone who wants to understand me to a similar extent. I want us to have our own language. Someone to riff and scheme with.

I want someone who listens to me and believes in me. I want someone who knows my flaws and accepts me anyway.

But I also want someone who calls me out on my bullshit and wants me to call her out on hers. Someone who encourages me to take the high road and remain true to my greater goals and principles.

...

I was really hoping, after I wrote that, that I'd know what to put for my dating profile. Alas, I'm still drawing a blank.

I know I at least need better pictures, though. 😅