what to do if you say something that makes someone feel bad | #56
Conflict Resolution for people scared of conflict: part 2
This is part 2 of my “Conflict Resolution for people scared of conflict” series.
Part 1 was essentially,
Someone said something and I felt bad, what should I do?
Part 2 (this one) is the opposite:
I said something and someone felt bad, what should I do?
Part 3 will be about general principles, philosophy, etc. It’ll be a lot of the “why” behind parts 1 and 2.
What to do if you tell someone a thing that makes them feel bad
Part 2 (this edition) will have 3 sections:
What you said, and what to say instead
Judgment
Disappointment
Blame
Advice-giving
Minimization
Competing
Sympathy
Speaking Power to Truth
What can Empathy Misses tell us about how to not say bad things?
How to become someone who doesn’t say bad things
learn more about people
fake it ‘till you make it
don’t let the amygdala take over
lean into wonder
reprogram your unhelpful beliefs
stop trying so hard
What you said and what to say instead
Let’s look at some examples of “bad” and “good” things to say, using the same Empathy Misses from Part 1.
In part 1, we pretended someone said an Empathy Miss to us. We considered how to respond such that everyone walks away happy.
This time, we’re going to pretend we are saying an Empathy Miss to someone. Then we’re going to consider what we could say instead.
Judgment (”The Gasp and Awe”)
Definition: Labeling someone as something negative, inviting shame or guilt into the situation.
Bad Example: “You are a terrible person!”
Good Example: “I know that was a really hard decision. I think you did the best you could.”
Disappointment (”The Mighty Fall”)
Definition: Expressing disappointment in someone. Often implying that you are holding them responsible for your emotions.
Bad Example: “I’m so disappointed in you, you really let me down.”
Good Example: “Sounds like a tough situation. I bet you did what you could. Want to talk about it?”
Blame (”The Block and Tackle”)
Definition: Assigning fault, usually to avoid discomfort with what is being shared.
Bad Example:“It’s your fault!” or “Who is it? I’m so angry at them I want to go tell them off, right now!”
Good Example: “Sounds frustrating. If you want to talk about it, I’d love to hear about it.”
Advice-Giving or Problem-Solving (”I can fix that!”)
Definition: When you skip empathy and go straight to trying to “fix” the problem.
Bad example: “Oh, I know exactly what you should do…”
Good Example: “Yeah, that sounds rough.”
Minimization (”The Boots and Shovel”)
Definition: Downplaying what happened, usually to avoid discomfort with what’s being shared.
Bad Example: “I promise, it wasn’t that bad, you’re okay.”
Good Example: “Thanks for letting me know what was going on. How are you doing with it?”
Competing (”If you think that’s bad…”)
Definition: When someone is sharing their experience and you cut them off to share yours.
Bad Example: “Oh, that reminds me of this one time…”
Good Example: “I understand. I went through something similar and it was tough.”
Sympathy (”I pity you”)
Definition: Feeling sorry for someone and thus putting distance between you and them. As opposed to empathy, which is actively trying to take on their perspective.
Bad Example: “I feel sorry for you. You poor thing.”
Good Example: “I know how that feels, I’m here for you, how can I help?”
Speaking Power To Truth (”Did you have to say something…?”)
Definition: When you try to dissuade someone from protecting their boundaries to avoid conflict.
Bad Example: “Did you have to say something? You made things awkward during that work meeting.”
Good Example: “I thought it was very admirable what you did back there. I imagine it wasn’t easy.”
What can Empathy Misses tell us about how to not say bad things?
If we look at the Bad Examples, they have a few things in common:
avoidance of discomfort
(minimization, blame, advice-giving)
preventing or discouraging someone from getting their needs met
(competing, advice-giving, speaking power to truth)
putting negative labels on someone
(judgment, disappointment, sympathy, blame)
If we look at the Good Examples, they have the same (but opposite) things in common:
acceptance - being willing to sit in discomfort with someone, welcoming negative emotions
empathy - encouraging and helping someone get their needs met
objectivity - being neutral and factual, but curious about what happened
Now, if I ended it here with “be more accepting, empathetic, and objective” it would be fairly useless.
But, I don’t want to be too practical.
It’s true, some of these Good Examples you might be able to use as canned responses.
But, ideally, you become the type of person who says those Good Examples naturally.
As opposed to
having the impulse to say a Bad Example,
remembering that Bad Examples are Bad,
manually looking up a Good Example, and then
saying the Good Example instead.
For a while, I was trying to learn to be funnier. I looked up templates for jokes. I memorized a few of them. Then, occasionally, I’d fill in the blanks and drop them into conversations.
Sometimes they got courtesy chuckles, but in general they weren’t funny.
It took me a while to learn that these “soft” domains (connecting, relating, etc) work from the bottom up.
The goal is not to follow a goal, it’s to be in the moment and follow one’s feelings. Cringe, but true.
If your original impulse is to say something mean, it doesn’t matter how fancy your algorithm is. Whatever method you use to transform it from mean to not mean, it’s still going to sound off. Like the stench of ChatGPT on a college essay.
Hence, the meta-goal is to change one’s feelings. To become the type of person that has the impulse to say Good Examples. Just because it’s not organic now doesn’t mean it can’t become organic!
(It might even get less organic before it becomes more organic. It’s the uncanny valley of learning new things.)
So, how does one change their feelings? Or become less defensive?
How does one become more accepting, empathetic, and objective?
How to become someone who doesn’t say bad things
I have found 6 approaches to developing acceptance, empathy, and objectivity. They all work with each other:
learn more about people
fake it ‘till you make it
don’t let the amygdala take over
lean into wonder
reprogram your unhelpful beliefs
stop trying so hard
Learn more about people
We tend to like and trust people the more we see them and get to know them. The more we understand their history, their flaws, their motives, their goals, etc, the more empathy we have for them.
Hence, if I want to be more empathetic towards someone, I learn more about them.
Fake it ‘till you make it
The goal is to be in the moment and follow your feelings.
But that doesn’t mean you have to start out that way.
You can start with a formula and build an intuition. You’re awkward and weird at first, but then you get used to it. Learn the rules, then break them.
With enough experimentation, you can become a human version of a Communication ChatGPT. Sufficiently advanced cargo culting is indistinguishable from intelligence.
Which is great, but the real prize is that, along the way, your identity shifts. (Ideally.)
You go through the motions, you feel things, you see success, develop a taste, ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.
Don’t let the amygdala take over
About a year ago I was driving down the highway.
The sun had completely set, and there was a little bit of light outside. Barely any cars on the road. I was listening to Perfect For you by Peach PRC.
Maybe 60 yards ahead of me, I spotted someone walking across the highway. I felt an adrenaline spike and hit the brakes.
I felt the fear and judgment swelling. Why is this person here? Do they not care about their life? Are they stupid? I could hit them and end up in prison because of their carelessness.
After I slowed down to go around them, I got a closer look.
He looked homeless.
The moment passed. My limbic system took a back seat. I started thinking about all the potential stories.
He could be high. He could be mentally ill. I started feeling concerned for him.
Then, I had a meta-thought:
Wow, it’s really hard to be empathetic and rational when you’re in fight-or-flight mode.
If I’m trying to be empathetic and/or rational, I should try to avoid being in that mode.
Lean into wonder
A few days ago, I attended a workshop on Wonder by Joe Hudson, host of the Art Of Accomplishment podcast.
Joe on what “wonder” is:
…it's like curiosity without looking for an answer, because when you're looking for an answer…like, "Oh my gosh, what is happening here?" and there's no pressure to find an answer. An answer may come, but there's no pressure. Then the physical state remains expansive.
The other way to think of it is, it's like curiosity and awe put together. The thing about awe, the reason I use that word in particular is, because if you're awestruck by something, you have a recognition that it's out of your control. It's something that's beyond you, beyond your ability to maybe even recognize in that moment.
One of the premises is that wonder and fear can’t coexist. If you're good at wondering, you can reduce anxiety, be more empathetic, playful, etc.
During the workshop, we did several exercises to practice wondering.
One of the exercises was to pin ourself on zoom call and look at our faces.
The first part of the exercise was to ask: what do we know about this person?
It felt weird. I observed that my eyes were blue. I started noting the asymmetry in my face. I felt some judgment. I thought about how I needed to shave. Some latent anxiety started showing up.
The second part of the exercise was to wonder about myself. To lean into curiosity and interest.
I started wondering how many shades of color were in my irises. Then I wondered what I’d look like with long hair. I felt myself lighten up a bit. The judgment and anxiety decreased.
“Hmm! Maybe there’s something to this.” I found myself thinking.
In the future, when I find myself scared, angry, etc, I’m going to try playing around with this idea.
Reprogram your unhelpful beliefs
If you say or think something negative to someone, including yourself, be curious about it. Keep asking yourself “why” to untangle it.
You might find that you have cognitive distortions. Here are some of the most common ones:
Magnification and minimization: Exaggerating or minimizing the importance of events. You might believe your own achievements are unimportant or that your mistakes are excessively important.
Catastrophizing: Seeing only the worst possible outcomes of a situation.
Overgeneralization: Making broad interpretations from a single or few events. “I felt awkward during my job interview. I am always so awkward.”
Magical thinking: The belief that thoughts, actions, or emotions influence unrelated situations. "If I hadn't hoped something bad would happen to him, he wouldn't have gotten into an accident."
Personalization: The belief that you are responsible for events outside of your control. “My mom is always upset. She would be fine if I did more to help her.”
Jumping to conclusions: Interpreting the meaning of a situation with little or no evidence.
Mind reading: Interpreting the thoughts and beliefs of others without adequate evidence. “She wouldn’t go on a date with me. She probably thinks I’m ugly.”
Fortune telling: The expectation that a situation will turn out badly without adequate evidence.
Emotional reasoning: The assumption that emotions reflect the way things really are. “I feel like a bad friend, therefore I must be a bad friend.”
Disqualifying the positive: Recognizing only the negative aspects of a situation while ignoring the positive. You might receive many compliments on an evaluation, but focus on the single piece of negative feedback.
“Should” statements: The belief that things should be a certain way. “I should always be perfect.”
All-or-nothing thinking: Thinking in absolutes such as “always,” “never,” or “every.” “I never do a good enough job on anything.
If you keep drilling, you might find, at the root, that you hold some version of the 3 most common irrational and unhelpful beliefs:
I must do well and win the approval of others or else I am no good.
Other people must do "the right thing" or else they are no good and deserve to be punished.
Life must be easy, without discomfort or inconvenience.
Each one has many sub-beliefs that might resonate with you more. For example, here’s a sneak peak of the 3rd one (“Life must be easy..”):
It’s worth checking out the whole list.
Once you’ve identified what feels like the root belief, dismantle it. Byron Katie has a facilitation guide for dismantling unhelpful beliefs.
In summary, the process is asking yourself the following questions:
Is it true?
Are you absolutely sure it’s true?
How do you feel when you believe that belief?
Who would you be without that belief? What if it weren’t true?
And then working on disproving the belief. What are some counter examples? What is evidence in favor of the opposite belief?
For example, let’s say your thought is: “I have to win this competition!”
Which might be rooted in some version of, “I must do well and win the approval of others or else I am no good.”
Then your dismantling process might involve asking questions like:
What’s the worst that can happen if I lose?
What’re the actual odds of that happening?
What can I do to prevent that from happening?
Who is an example of someone who has lost a competition? did my nightmare scenario happen to them?
Or doing some version of Tim Ferriss’s Fear-Setting exercise:
What is the worst thing that will happen if I do the thing?
What can I do to prevent that worst thing from happening?
If that worst thing did happen, how could I fix it?
What are some benefits of an attempt or partial success?
If I don’t do it, how will life look in 3, 6, 12 months?
This might be a lot to take in, but if you squint, it’s just applied curiosity with an optimistic lens.
Take optimistic stances and consider how they might be true!
Don’t try so hard
I love Joe Hudson’s pinned tweet because it’s the essence of “trying too hard”.
How to see the matrix:
Name an unwanted emotion in your life.
List the ways you try to avoid it.
Notice that every way you try to avoid it, you actually create it.
Trying too hard means
→ being unwilling to feel certain things, which leads to
→ being unwilling to accept certain things, which leads to
→ playing a warped version of whatever the game is, which leads to
→ losing the game, usually causing them to (ironically) feel more of the feeling they’re trying to avoid!
There are many names for this phenomenon. The most obvious is the term “scrub”:
If “the game” is getting our needs met, then judgment and other empathy misses are scrub behavior. We try too hard (according to our warped rules) and make everything worse.
Nonviolent Communication has noted this pattern as well:
I regularly hear statements like, “I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong idea—I’m married to a wonderful man—but I never know what he is feeling.”
One such dissatisfied woman brought her spouse to a workshop, during which she told him, “I feel like I’m married to a wall.” The husband then did an excellent imitation of a wall: he sat mute and immobile.
Exasperated, she turned to me and exclaimed, “See! This is what happens all the time. He sits and says nothing. It’s just like living with a wall.”
“It sounds to me like you are feeling lonely and wanting more emotional contact with your husband,” I responded. When she agreed, I tried to show how statements such as “I feel like I’m living with a wall” are unlikely to bring her feelings and desires to her husband’s attention. In fact, they are more likely to be heard as criticism than as invitations to connect with our feelings.
Furthermore, such statements often lead to self-fulfilling prophecies. A husband, for example, hears himself criticized for behaving like a wall; he is hurt and discouraged and doesn’t respond, thereby confirming his wife’s image of him as a wall.
I can think of many more examples of trying too hard in a communication context. Besides to the empathy misses, there is also bragging, lying, and putting others down.
Anyway, the point is, all this is downstream of an unwillingness to welcome the full spectrum of human emotion. Feel your feelings! Pain is information.
And if you got all the way here and you’re wondering things like:
what are the assumptions I’m making as I write all of this?
so does that mean we can’t say bad things ever? what about jokes??
Then stay tuned for part 3!