what to do if someone tells you a thing that makes you feel bad | #55
Conflict Resolution for people scared of conflict: part 1
I finished reading Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and WOW it was a great read.
So many insights. I can see them being useful in preventing hurt feelings, strengthening connections, etc
…if I actually put them to use, that is.
I’ve read a lot of “how to communicate” stuff (Brene Brown, Gottman, Bell Hooks, Kindra Hall, etc).
The problem is: in the heat of the moment, I can’t recall those ideas and principles. And even if I do, they’re not packaged in a usable way in my mind.
To apply the insights, I need to turn what I learned into a playbook of some kind.
Something where, if I have a situation, it’ll help me identify what’s going on and what to do about it.
So, I’m making that playbook. For myself primarily, but I figured it might help other people.
I think it’ll have 3 parts:
what to do if someone tells you a thing that makes you feel bad (part 1)
what to do if you tell someone a thing that makes them feel bad (part 2)
general principles, philosophy, etc - a lot of the “why” behind parts 1 and 2
Here’s part 1!
What to do if someone tells you a thing that makes you feel bad
The Nonviolent Communication (NVC) framework
The Empathy Misses (Judgment, Disappointment, Blame, etc)
What to do if someone tells you a thing that makes you feel bad
There are many types of things people say that generally make people feel bad. For example, disappointment, blame, judgment, etc.
My goal is to give you a crash course on how to use NVC when you encounter those things.
First I’ll give you a general overview, and then I’ll give you some examples for inspiration.
However, if you’re like me, you probably won’t retain much from just reading this.
So, for the people reading this who are like me, here’s a nice catch-all sentence you can use:
That didn’t feel good to hear. Could you tell me what your goal was in saying that?
I find that often steers the conversation in a positive direction.
For those who plan on studying this or referencing it later, here’s the rest of the content!
The Nonviolent Communication (NVC) framework
I love the NVC framework, but I can see why a lot of people are averse to it.
If you’re a jerk and you say mean things with the NVC framework, you’re still going to sound like a jerk. A weird jerk. Potentially with a hint of soullessness.
If you’re not actually trying to connect with the other person, using NVC will trigger an uncanny valley effect. It’ll sound like moon man talk (h/t Wendell).
If you’ve ever emailed the customer service department of a large corporation, you know what I mean.
There are lots of flowery words. They tell you how sincere they are. How valuable you are as a customer.
And yet, the message feels cold, corporate, and impersonal.
Hence, when I give you this framework, I encourage you to use the parts that make sense and discard the parts that don’t. Make it your own!
Ok, all that being said, here’s the framework:
State a clear observation (neutral and factual)
“When you did A…”
Express a feeling (e.g. frustration, shame, anxiety)
“…I felt B”
Take ownership of feeling by expressing a need
“…I’d like to be C”
End with a request
“…would you please D?”
I often prefer to drop the “need” part, since it’s obvious based on the feeling and request.
Something like,
“Hey, when you do that, it makes me sad, could you do this instead?”
A lot of what people say that triggers bad feelings follows parts of the opposite framework:
Judgements, Interpretations, Strategies, Demands
State a judgment (biased, not factual)
“you’re a jerk”
State an interpretation of a feeling (vs the feeling itself)
“everyone feels betrayed because of what you did”
State a strategy for achieving a need (vs the core need itself)
“you need to pay everyone $100”
Make a demand
“or else none of us are going to ever talk to you again”
Brené Brown has named several examples of things people say that damage connection. They’re called Empathy Misses:
Judgment
Disappointment
Blame
Advice-giving
Minimization
Competing
Sympathy
Speaking Power To Truth
I’ll make an NVC-ish response to each one, and then address “complaining” separately (which is NOT an Empathy Miss).
Judgment (”The Gasp and Awe”)
Definition:
Labeling someone as something negative, inviting shame or guilt into the situation.
Example:
“You are a terrible person!”
What I would say:
“When you tell me I’m a terrible person, it triggers me to conclude that you want to make me feel bad. That makes me want to distance myself from you. But I don’t think you want to make me feel bad. Could you tell me what made you want to say that?”
Disappointment (”The Mighty Fall”)
Definition:
Expressing disappointment in someone. Often implying that you are holding them responsible for your emotions.
Example:
“I’m so disappointed in you, you really let me down.”
What I would say:
“When you say you’re disappointed in me and that I let you down, I hear that
you’ve lost faith in me,
you lost respect for me, and/or
you think less of me.
Which makes me want to distance myself from you.
But you could not mean any of those things. Could you confirm you don’t mean any of those things?
If you do mean at least one of those things, do you want to hear about the context for why I did what I did?”
Blame (”The Block and Tackle”)
Definition:
Assigning fault, usually to avoid discomfort with what is being shared.
Example:
“It’s your fault!”
or
“Who is it? I’m so angry at them I want to go tell them off, right now!”
What I would say:
“It sounds like you want to blame someone. I’m not interested in blaming anyone. Would you mind if, instead, we just talked about what happened?”
Advice-Giving or Problem-Solving (”I can fix that!”)
Definition:
When you skip empathy and go straight to trying to “fix” the problem.
Example:
“Oh, I know exactly what you should do…”
What I would say:
“Wait a sec. I just want to talk about it. I’m not in the state-of-mind to problem-solve right now. When you jump into problem-solving without making sure I am interested, I take it as either
you’re uncomfortable that there’s a problem and you’re demanding I solve it now to alleviate your discomfort, or
you think I can’t solve my own problems, which makes me feel like you don’t respect me, or
you don’t care about my feelings, which makes me feel disconnected from you
In the future, could you ask if I want to problem-solve first?”
Minimization (”The Boots and Shovel”)
Definition:
Downplaying what happened, usually to avoid discomfort with what’s being shared.
Example:
“I promise, it wasn’t that bad, you’re okay.”
What I would say:
“When you say it isn’t that bad, I take that as you saying
I don’t know what I’m talking about,
my experience doesn’t matter,
that I’m just making a big deal out of it for attention or sympathy, and/or
that you aren’t willing to give me time to process it.
Do you mean any of those things when you say it isn’t that bad?
If you do, could you say that instead?”
Competing (”If you think that’s bad…”)
Definition:
When someone is sharing their experience and you cut them off to share yours instead of letting them finish.
Example:
“Oh, that reminds me of this one time…”
What I would say:
Assuming it bothers me (it only does when it seems like they’re doing it absent-mindedly), I’d say:
“Wait one sec, I’m glad that you resonate with my experience enough to share your own, but I wasn’t finished. Do you want to hear the end of mine?”
Sympathy (”I pity you”)
Definition:
Feeling sorry for someone and thus putting distance between you and them.
As opposed to empathy, which is actively trying to take on their perspective.
Example:
“I feel sorry for you. You poor thing.”
What I would say:
“When you said I feel sorry for you, I take it as you putting me in a victim box. That makes me feel frustration and shame.
Just hearing me out is all I need.“
Speaking Power To Truth (”Did you have to say something…?”)
Definition:
When you try to dissuade someone from protecting their boundaries to avoid conflict.
Example:
“Did you have to say something? You made things awkward during that work meeting.”
What I would say:
“When you ask me if I had to say something, it seems like you’re implying I shouldn’t have said anything.
That what they said is okay and/or I should remain uncomfortable. Do you agree with either of those?”
Complaining:
Definition:
Voicing concern or frustration about an observation.
Example:
“I was concerned when the project was running late, and you didn’t email me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”
Note: This is different than judgment, disappointment, and other negative labeling. This is observing reality and expressing a negative feeling about it, which is good! It’s something people who have a relationship with each other should do!
What I would say:
In theory, hearing something like that shouldn’t make me feel bad, get defensive, etc.
I’d start with:
“I’m glad you told me that.”
And then,
If I think there’s a disconnect, I’d try to figure out where that disconnect is. I’ll say something like,
“To make sure we’re on the same page, what does late mean to you? To me it means one day behind.”
If I think they’re right, I’ll take ownership and say something like,
“You’re right, I’ll email you when I realize it won’t meet the deadline.”
If I think they’re right but I still feel defensive, I’ll say something like,
“I feel a little defensive when I hear that, but to be clear you are right. I’m not requesting anything of you, I just wanted you to know.”
That last bullet might have you wondering:
What if I’m the problem?
What if people say non-bad things, but I interpret them as bad things?
What if I say the bad things?
What if I have bad thoughts?
In part 2, I’ll be writing about how to overcome all of that. My take on how to not get defensive, how to get rid of unhelpful beliefs, etc.
Stay tuned!