How to complain properly | #52

(and how to hold space for complainers properly)

Hello friends!

I've tried to get more comfortable with complaining. But, it wasn't until yesterday when I realized the source of my discomfort.

Yesterday, I was complaining to a friend about dancing. Specifically,

• how boring it is to practice the fundamentals

• how hard it is to prioritize them ahead of stuff that's more fun or more urgent

• how scary it is for me to ask people to practice with me

Their response was (paraphrased),

Umm what about that one person you were practicing a lot with?

followed by

Eh yeah it’s just peoples' priorities. You’d probably have to find a beginner that would get more out of practicing the basics with you.

I read it and I immediately felt myself getting defensive. Whoa, what's going on here?

I slept on it and woke up today thinking a lot about

• What is the correct way to complain to someone - if there is such a thing?

• When should you complain? How do you know when someone wants to hear it? What does the listener get out of it, if anything?

• What is the correct way to hold space for someone to complain? What did I, the complainer, want out of the situation? Is that fair to ask of the space holder?

Here are some thoughts and my attempt to answer those questions.

• Why did I get defensive?

  • I'm uncomfortable with complaining in general

  • if I’m complaining, it's something I feel badly about

  • the social protocols around complaining are a mystery to me

• How can I be a better complainer?

  • ask if it's ok to complain

  • don't let things build up

  • complain to the right people

    • They care about me

    • They know I care about them

    • They believe in me

• How can I be a better complainee (or space-holder)?

  • don't steal the spotlight

  • don't try to solve their problems unless they ask

  • illustrate the ways it makes sense to me that they would feel the way they do

  • complain more

  • affirm that I can hold space

The first question to answer is: why did I get defensive?

Why did I get defensive?

A few reasons:

The first reason is that I'm uncomfortable with complaining in general. I associate it with being low agency and lacking confidence. When I do find myself complaining, I become ashamed of myself. I unconsciously label it as evidence that I lack agency or confidence.

The second reason is that it's something I feel badly about. I don't like to complain, so if it upsets me enough to complain, it's something that means a lot to me. I'll have some shame around both the thing itself and complaining about the thing.

The third reason is that the social protocols around complaining are a mystery to me. Answering the question, "Does this person want me to complain to them? If so, how much, for how long, and in what way?" is hard in general.

Sometimes it's easy, but in that moment I typically don't have the bandwidth to answer it. My awareness is usually contracted around my negative feelings. It's in these moments that I'm likely to say something the other person wouldn't appreciate. Hence, when I'm deciding if I should complain, it always feels like a huge risk.

So, when I read,

Umm what about that one person you were practicing a lot with?

I got triggered from the "Umm" and found myself interpreting the rest of it as,

You told me you had a solution to your problem. What did you do to mess that up? Why can't you figure this out?

When I felt myself thinking that, I was like, WOW, I need to go to bed.

How can I be a better complainer?

Now, today, with a fresh perspective, I'm asking myself how it can be better. Starting with: what can I do better as a complainer? So far I have three bullets:

• ask if it's ok to complain

• don't let things build up

• complain to the right people

Ask if it's ok to complain

I resisted this for a long time.

To me, it symbolized an admittance of defeat. I am confirming out loud that I am whiny, low agency, etc.

Plus, it's an awkward question to answer. They don't even know what they're signing up for, so they'll hesitate about saying yes. What would I complain about? For how long? etc

The second problem is easy to solve: be more specific.

"can I complain?" → "can I vent about x for y minutes?"

Or, if I can't, give them an out if it becomes too much.

"can I complain?" → "can I complain? It could be a rabbit hole of emotional vomit, feel free to cut me off anytime."

The first problem requires a reframe.

• Most problem-solving requires good judgment.

• Bad feelings can cloud good judgment.

• Externalizing those feelings by voicing them out loud helps me understand and process them.

• People who care about you can then point out your blind spots and make sense of your feelings in ways that you can't.

Complaining is part of the problem-solving process. As long as it's not the only part. 😉

Don't let things build up

Bad feelings tend to have a "boiling the frog" pattern for me. Since I'm pretty busy, active socially, and generally engaged, I forget to be "in my body" a lot.

When I notice I'm feeling Bad, it's usually because it's gotten Really Bad.

I tend to have two modes:

• ~ La-la-la ~ everything is fine

• Why am I so annoyed? Why do I suck? I think everyone hates me. Why am I such a burden?

This is something that usually solves itself by having designated times to be bored. In the past, I used to take long showers and drive without music. But lately I've been taking shorter showers and enjoying Spotify's dynamic playlists.

So, I'll be thinking about other ways to integrate boredom.

Complain to the right people

Maybe some of these are obvious, but I'll say them anyway for the record.

I think it's a good idea to only complain to people who have these qualities:

They care about me

In other words, people who want me to be happy and see me succeed. Ideally in both the short and the long term, but at least in the long term. I can see tough love being necessary in the short term sometimes, though.

They know I care about them

I believe holding space is a big ask of someone. It requires a lot of trust, patience, attention, and understanding. I'm not comfortable with asking someone for that if I wouldn't do it for them.

They believe in me

I've said some crazy shit when I was angry, scared, or under some other form of lymbic-hijacking.

Those things are how I feel in that moment. Those feelings can be downstream of elevated brain chemicals, cognitive distortions, bad narratives, and/or trauma.

The crazy shit is rare, but there are plenty of instances where I've said something I didn't mean. Often it makes sense in my head, or I didn't think about it that much. Then, when I heard the words come out of my mouth, I realized it wasn't what I meant at all.

It's important that whoever is listening doesn't take what I say at face value. They understand that words are a communication channel subject to noise. And that, in times of duress, the channel is especially noisy. Someone that, if I say something mean, ignorant, or arrogant, their first instinct is that I meant something else. Someone who thinks of me as a temporarily-embarrassed kind person.

At the same time, that someone is willing to hold me responsible for my words in general. Someone who knows what I stand for and believes that, if I say or act outside my principles, it's my intention to correct it.

How can I be a better complainee (or space-holder)?

Here is what I wish others would do when I complain to them, and what I will do when others complain to me.

• don't steal the spotlight

• don't try to solve their problems unless they ask

• illustrate the ways it makes sense to me that they would feel the way they do

• complain more

• affirm that I can hold space

Don't steal the spotlight

If I'm letting someone vent, I'm assuming it's something they care about. They confided in me enough to show their rawness. They have the floor. If I want to complain about something, I should wait until they're done. If I make it about me, that leaves them feeling unseen. This is especially important if they are complaining about me.

Don't try to solve their problem unless they ask

This is a commonly gendered trope: woman complains, man tries to solve problem, woman just wanted to be heard.

But I don't think it's got anything to do with gender. I don't like it either. If I am in problem-solving mode, I will be doing things to solve the problem. If I am stuck unrelated to my emotions, you'll know.

If I am complaining, the barrier is 100% emotional. I want to process that first. I only skip past that part if you're paying me.

Illustrate the ways it makes sense to me that they would feel the way they do

This isn't necessary if their feelings don't make sense to me. Just listening and not ruining the conversation is already a great start. Stuff like tending towards support responses over shift responses.

But if I relate, as long as I'm careful to not steal the spotlight, sharing my own experience can validate how they feel.

Complain more

Some people never complain. Some people are quick to complain.

There's a balance. I think that I err on the side of not complaining as much as I should.

It's beneficial to me, but it's also a signal to others that it's OK to voice discontent. That it's okay to have problems and bad feelings. That if you complain to me, you can expect that I will relate. That you don't have to work so hard to create a context under which I can understand you.

Affirm that I can hold space

The most important thing to me as a complainer is that the space-holder has the willingness and capacity.

I never want them to do it because they feel obligated. No matter how helpful it is to me. I only want them to do it because they want to. Because they believe it's the right course of action.

Similarly, as a space-holder, I should only hold space if I have willingness and capacity. For the sake of our relationship in the long-term.