Can you be vulnerable and win? | #17

Dichotomies are fun, but you should fight the false ones.

Last issue, I published a story about my struggle with vulnerability.

TL;DR: A discussion on Twitter taught me that vulnerability itself is neither good nor bad.

It's a tool. You can be vulnerable correctly and incorrectly. Yes, it's the guns don't kill people argument.

But, there's still something missing. If being vulnerable has all these benefits for interpersonal relationships... why are we still so gosh darn resistant to it?

For example, can we tell men that it's okay to open up, as long as it's done correctly?

Or are they right to remain closed off sometimes? Are there cases where the correct way to be vulnerable is to not be vulnerable at all?

What if what you have to admit isn't flattering, and there's no way around it? Does anyone really need to know? Should you let it out anyway?

I try to answer those questions in this 17th edition of The Pole. A summary:

• The two things that get in the way of practicing good vulnerability

  • Societal vulnerability (economics and politics)

  • Group vulnerability (dating and socializing)

  • Individual vulnerability (psychology)

• Should you Keep Calm & Play The Game? Or be a martyr?

  • My answer: integrity and attention.

The two roadblocks to practicing good vulnerability

There are two problems we run into when practicing Good Vulnerability.

The first problem? Much like dieting and exercising, practicing Good Vulnerability is hard.

It's simple, but not easy. It makes life harder in the short term, but easier in the long term. Our monkey brains fixate on the up-front discomfort and resist it. That's a challenge on its own.

The second problem can be even worse: the negative feedback loop. Which I will talk about for the rest of our time together.

Nowadays I don't find myself in negative feedback loops that often. Only on dates, heheh.

But every once in a while I go through a rough patch and am reminded of how much of a mess I was in my early 20's. I'm addressing this to my younger self, but also to anyone stuck in a negative feedback loop.

I'll start at a high level, with economics and politics. That might be a weird starting point for an essay about vulnerability, but I think it'll make sense in the end.

Societal vulnerability: economics and politics

Have you ever heard the phrase, when it rains, it pours?

How about any of these classics?

• to get a job you need experience, to get experience you need a job

• it's easier to get a job when you have a job

• the harder you go without a job, the harder it is to get one again

• it's expensive being poor

• the rich get richer

• to the victor go the spoils

These phrases all point to the same idea:

• when it's easy, you get ahead, which makes it easier, which puts you further ahead...

• when it's hard, you fall behind, which makes it harder, which puts you further behind...

You can understand why folks in the 2nd category view it as a problem.

There are two mainstream philosophies on this problem:

• the Do What You Can approach, and

• the Fix The System approach.

The Do What You Can approach is associated with many (conservative, rich, capitalist, republican)-ish talking points. You might recognize a few of them:

• anyone can get rich if they work hard and make the right decisions, pull yourself up by your bootstraps!

• equality of opportunity over equality of outcome

• stop complaining, you're exaggerating how systemic the issues are, if you spent half the energy you used to complain on solving the problem...

• have some agency, be creative, the solution is out there

• you can't change others, you can't change the system, you can only control yourself

• changing one's self or behavior is the solution

The Fix The System approach is associated with many (liberal, poor, socialist, democrat)-ish talking points. You might recognize a few of them:

• privilege is invisible to those that have it

• equity over equality

• it's easy for you to say that when you don't have it as hard as we do

• you got in when it was easy and then made it hard to keep everyone else out

• you don't know our life, just because you can't see our struggles doesn't mean they're not there

• changing the system is the solution

So, if you're a have-not and want to be a have,

Do What You Can says:

It's your responsibility. Complaining is a red flag. Find a solution and make it happen.

Fix The System says:

It's not your fault. Your emotions are valid. We should all work together and make it easier for everyone to succeed.

(Note: I'm not sold on these names and don’t know much about political/economic philosophies. I’m only repeating things I read on Twitter - it’s possible I’m misrepresenting them! If I’m wrong and you Know About These Things, I’m happy to update my model of the world.)

Group vulnerability: dating and socializing

There are a lot of "dating trouble" tropes. Some common ones:

• For men, there's the "nice guy laments that girl dates bad boys and not him" story.

• For women, there's the "damn it, why do none of these guys want a serious relationship" dilemma.

Here's what's frustrating for everyone with dating trouble:

Dating (like most other chaotic systems) is anti-inductive.

Anti-inductive means the harder you fight it, the harder it fights back. The more focused you are on the outcome, the more it eludes you.

Think of those "rules" for dating. No double-texting. Space out your replies. Don't come on too strong. Don't be too available. Be confident. (Do What You Can?)

Some might say having rules for dating is dumb. Others might say there's no need to play by those rules - that, for the right person, it won't matter. (Fix The System?)

Regardless, most of those rules boil down to the same goal: feign security. Portray yourself as someone who isn't as invested as you actually are.

Why do we gravitate towards that goal? Because insecurity and desperation are turn-offs. Both because of the energy they give off and because of what they signal.

If you really want to marry your spouse and they’re on the fence, that pressure often makes them want to do it less.

When do dates usually go better? When you want (or need) them to go well? Or when you’re having fun and ambivalent to the outcome?

You can't try too hard. It adds pressure and makes things feel less organic. It’s usually a fool’s errand to enforce order on chaos.

Social status, in general, is like this as well.

• The more followers you have on social media, the easier it is to get more followers.

• The more parties you go to, the more people you meet, the more likely you are to get invited to parties.

• The more people like you, the more willing others will be to give you a chance.

At the same time,

• The more persistent you are, the more you will repel people.

• The more available you are, the more likely people are to think you're not important.

• The less people who are willing to vouch for you, the less likely others will give you a chance.

You can see how the feedback loop can come into play.

The more validation you get, the better you feel, the more social you are, the better your vibes.

The more rejection you get, the more it can get to you, the more you withdraw, the worse your vibes.

As a result, if you're depressed, anxious, or in some other state that puts out bad vibes, it can feel isolating. It's like a gag order: unless you're around people close to you, you have to put up a mask.

Sometimes people will make space for you, but most will not.

Note: it's not because People Are Bad. It's because

1. everyone is dealing with their own issues and,

2. accepting the vulnerability of others takes effort and attention (hence: emotional labor)

In any case, most people would say it's not worth the risk.

Individual vulnerability: psychology

Have you ever heard of the Fight, Flight, or Freeze response?

• Maybe you forgot the next line in a play, even though you rehearsed it many times.

• Maybe someone passed you the ball and it was your chance to make the winning point for your team, but you choked.

• Maybe you were on a date and you mixed up words in an unflattering way.

  • (Have you ever said "would you like some cop porn?" on a movie date? I DEFINITELY have never done that…)

Some people work well under stress, but no one works well under too much stress. There is always a threshold where it does more harm than good. Especially if the activity is creative or complicated. Our movements get choppy, our attention fragments, we make dumb mistakes.

Hence, we have to spend extra effort managing our psychology. And if we're on a date, we have to spend even more effort masking our outward signs of distress.

Perhaps you disagree. Maybe you find this behavior inauthentic. Or maybe you think it's unnecessary: you think it's cute when your date is nervous.

In response, I would ask: what are your favorite moments with people? Your favorite times with friends and family? What were your favorite dates like?

Were they with people who were in psychological distress? Or was everyone laughing, having fun, and vibing?

A lot of flirting, chemistry, and fun in general involves creating tension. Having a back and forth banter. Saying things just for fun. Teasing each other. Innuendos, double entendres, jokes, mystery.

It's hard to take part in this kind of thing if you're on edge, anxious, or uncomfortable.

You're trying to relieve tension where others are trying to create it. Their mind and feelings are in order. They’re looking for fun, excitement, life, zest. Your mind and feelings are chaotic. You’re looking for security, assurance, validation.

…you can see how there's a conflict of interests. Unless!

Unless you bury it. Unless you get good at masking. Fake it 'til you make it.

Sometimes you’re in a funk and when you tell your brain, nah, we’re not gonna feel this way, it says OK and you feel better.

Other times, if you’re not having a good time, you can give them a good time and pivot off their energy.

The downside? It takes A LOT of effort.

(I suspect that a lot of “introverts” are people with chaos in their minds who spend a lot of time masking and therefore social events aren’t as worth it to them.)

Also, if you do it too much, it can be psychically damaging. At least for me, it reinforces a feeling of disposability. Like I'm not useful or wanted to people unless I'm putting out Golden Retriever Energy.

So.. what’s the solution?

Should you Keep Calm & Play The Game? Or be a martyr?

It can feel like you're stuck between two extremes: the Do What You Can approach or the Fix The System approach.

Do What You Can might say play the game:

Suck it up. No one wants to hear you complain. Put on a mask. Fake it 'til you make it. You get what you want. Everyone's happy.

Fix The System might say be a martyr:

They don't understand you. It's not your fault. Your emotions are valid. For the right person, it won't matter. Live your truth.

My answer: integrity and attention.

Both approaches have their merits. You can mix and match. It's okay to be inconsistent.

I have a two-pronged approach. Something like, plan for the worst, hope for the best.

Except it's Do What You Can, but Fix The System When You Can.

Heal your psychological, social, and childhood wounds where possible. Accept your flaws otherwise.

A few bullets that feel true to me:

• Play the game. It exists, you're part of it, and there are prizes. You should play it. But don't lose yourself in the process. Play games, but don't play stupid games.

• Don't lie, but there's nothing wrong with putting your best foot forward.

• You don't have to share your feelings, but do share your intentions.

• You don't have to wear your heart on your sleeve. But you should give yourself permission and space to feel whatever you're feeling.

• You don't have to apologize for having whatever feelings you have. No matter how extreme or weird they are. But you can't give up your agency or responsibility to manage them.

• You can mourn, but you can't throw pity parties.

• It's okay to feel bad, but don't paint things a certain way to stay in the comfort of feeling bad or to solicit sympathy.

• Forgive yourself, but learn from it.

• Pay attention, but be okay with zoning out.

It's okay to get caught in negative feedback loops. Your brain might even stimulate them. All that matters is you keep trying to come up for air.

That doesn't mean fight it: that's the wrong framing and won't help. It means have your own agenda. Sincerely, and with no resentment, take back your focus and agency. Over and over again.