What if you can't afford to be yourself? | #40
..but also, what if you could? (musings on the gym, sales, dating, and agency)
Hey everyone! Been kinda burned out and thinking about agency, so here are some things going on in my life under that lens.
not being able to be consistent at the gym
feeling weird about selling things to people
arm-chair philosophizing about dating
agency: what the gym, sales, and dating have in common
Enjoy!
The gym
I went to the gym yesterday after about three weeks of not going.
The first week and a half I had a legit excuse: I was sick.
At the two week mark, I definitely felt better. I could have gone. But I was still “kinda” sick, so I continued to blow it off.
Yesterday, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, ALRIGHT, enough is enough.
So I went.
The entire workout I was dragging my feet. I was on my phone between every set, waiting for it to be over. Once I was 80% done, the hailstorm of thoughts hit peak intensity.
“What if we just… left? Like right now?”
“Why are we doing this again?”
“This kinda sucks. You can’t keep this up, might as well throw in the towel.”
“You could be spending your time elsewhere on something more enjoyable or productive.”
I did another set and had the thought that pushed me over the edge.
“Dude, you’ve done great, you got started, you don’t need to do the whole workout. This is a great step one, treat yo self by going home”
And that was it.
On the drive home I oscillated between
feeling proud that I got to the gym, and
worried about how I was going to fight those thoughts next time I went to the gym.
I’ve dealt with those thoughts for years. I’ve never had a sustainable gym habit. The longest I’ve ever been consistent was three months.
Something always knocks me off the horse. Sometimes it’s something obvious, like a vacation or sickness. But other times it’s the heart-breaking reality that I find going to the gym tedious.
As we speak, I’m facing the fear that I prophesied on the ride home yesterday.
I don’t want to go to the gym. Most of the benefits you get from going to the gym come when you’re consistent. I’ve never been able to be consistent. Why should I bother starting when I know I'll blow it off again?
Sales
A few days ago, a friend reached out and said she had a friend who needed some video editing work done.
I already had a lot on my plate, so I was hesitant. But, I’m a believer in making friends and not underestimating opportunities. So I told her she could give her my number.
She texted me a few days later. I texted back and said something like,
“Hey! I’d love to meet if it makes sense, here are a few questions I’d want to know and here are a few things you should know.”
It was matter-of-fact, non-salesy. Here’s the information I need for it to make sense to me. Here’s the information I think you need to determine if it makes sense for you.
After I sent the text, I started to doubt myself. Maybe I came across as too cold? Should I have tried having some small talk first?
Eh, I don’t need another client right now, anyway. If I was too cold, oh well.
But it got me thinking: what if I did? Is it a good idea to get in the habit of being this nonchalant? What is the correct way to sell people on my services?
Or, I did exactly the right thing. Maybe by not thinking about it, I avoided trying too hard. I came across as organic, and that’s my best chance anyhow?
Or, that’s a false dichotomy. The truth is somewhere in the middle. Improving my skills doesn’t mean I have to sound inorganic. There’s a world where I can “be myself” and “be good at sales”.
..right?
Dating
It’s been a month or two since I’ve been on a date. I’ve been going through cycles of “bored, I’ll swipe a bit” followed by “getting on Hinge sounds like a lot of work, I’ll pass”.
But I have been thinking a lot about dating.
I’m in a lot of Facebook Singles groups. Mostly for shits n’ giggles and to see what the Zeitgeist is like for us single folks. But also, y’know, in case I spot someone I might be interested in.
A common thing I see people complaining about is: where are all the good people? The people that I’d want to date?
I usually lurk, but I find myself wanting to say things like,
HEY! The “good people” are out there! If you are also a “good person” then it’s a matter of time!
But at some point I started thinking: how does one become a “good person” (i.e. someone who is datable)?
I can immediately think of three ways of looking at it:
Becoming “better” means becoming a better version of yourself. It means finding the things you want to do anyway, that are naturally “you”, and doubling down on them. You will then appeal to the group of people that vibe with that.
Becoming “better” means developing traits that are (mostly) universally attractive. Getting in shape, sorting your emotional issues, developing your wit and humor, etc.
Becoming “better” means developing traits that are attractive to the people you like.
I think that, for a lot of people, those 3 ways are all the same thing, so it’s a non-issue.
But for some people, the intersection is small.
For example, you’re a country boy, and you’re all about farming and cows. But you’re only interested in goth girls. And you can’t find any goth girls interested in country boys.
In this case, better could mean one of 3 things:
become a better country boy so that you appeal to the country girls
become a better human so that you are more generally appealing to humans
become more of a goth boy so that you appeal to the demographic you like: goth girls
If I wanted to be pessimistic and defeatist, I could argue against all those.
becoming a better country boy does nothing for your stated goal: appealing to goth girls
becoming a better human might help you appeal to goth girls, but what if it’s not “you”? For example, working out. What if you’re like me and you don’t enjoy it?
becoming more of a goth boy won’t help you in the long term. it’s not you, it’s a ruse that will fall apart.
Agency
When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
It’s rare that I hear a quote that I identify with more than that one.
When I learn something, I find myself looking for it everywhere else I go.
When I learn two separate things, I immediately find myself wanting to connect them. To find their similarities and contours.
I’ve been reading a lot of Emmett Shear’s (co-founder of Twitch) thoughts on agency. As a result, I see a lot of overlap between the gym, sales, and dating.
In all 3 cases, I used to see it as a “market failure” problem. The price is too high, there is no arrangement to be reached, give up.
But now I see it as an agency problem. Some combination of
not being willing to accept reality as it is
not noticing (or being willing to notice) the full breadth of potential paths to your goals
not being aware of what your goals actually are
With the gym: why am I actually going to the gym? Is there a more sustainable way to get to the same goal? If my goal does involve the gym, how can I adjust my routine to be more palatable but still get me the same results?
With sales: I'm seeing it as a false dichotomy. Have I even looked into what a good sales conversation looks like? Do I know for sure that there is nothing I could take from a conversation like that that resonates with me? Have I considered that there are many ways I can have a good sales conversation? And that one way might resonate with me over others?
With dating: Can I verbally articulate what type of person I want to date? What type of arrangement I'd like? Why I'd want that arrangement? How many dates have I gone on with that type of person? Am I sure they don’t want me? Have I talked to them about what they wanted? Have I looked at who they’ve dated in the past?
I’m kind of ashamed. For most of my life it didn’t even occur to me that I could have 10 times more agency about things. That I could get what I wanted 10 times more often.
I feel like my 20’s would have been so different. I feel like I should have developed more agency, sooner. I feel like I should have more natural agency.
But, something something the next best time to plant a tree is now. So, a big goal for me in 2024 is practicing agency.
What that means for me is following this little flow chart I made and constantly asking myself questions like:
What does success look like? What am I actually trying to do?
Why do I want to do this? Why wouldn’t I want to do this?
What is the problem, in detail?
What are some ideas that could possibly work?
Given the idea that seems the most reasonable, what’s a rough draft of a plan with ordered steps? Who or what could help fill in the gaps?
How can I set up my environment or social context to bolster my motivation and avoid frustration/temptation?
Cheers to agency!
i need this flow chart