A haitus | #51

Hey friends, I’m going to take a break from writing these emails for a bit.

Heads up: it’s about to get personal and heavy, really fast.

If you’re trying to maintain your current vibe, now is your chance to hit the back button.

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Alright, so, my mom passed away last night and I want to make space to acclimate to that. Plus, it turns out.. there’s a lot of paperwork and planning involved. So, yeah, postponing this writing thing until further notice.

How am I doing and how do I feel about it?

It’s a mixture of a freeze/numbness response plus racing thoughts plus anxiety.

The anxiety is easiest to address.

Part of me is scared of not showing enough emotion when people find out. That people will think I’m a sociopath or something.

Another part of me is scared that I’ll randomly start crying in the middle of a conversation.

I’m also totally in the dark about how to tell people or if I even should.

Do I just come out with it from the beginning? Should I try to casually slip it into conversation when it feels relevant?

Why would I? What is there to even gain? It’s just going to make them feel sad or some other type of way, why would I do that, when I could just.. not?

Should I just text everyone I know right now? Make a facebook post?

I guess some people would want to know. Other people have never met her but might drop a casual “my condolences” and then move on with their day.

Honestly, a big part of what’s going on here is not actually knowing what I want and, to some degree, being afraid to face it.

When I think about telling people, I recoil at the idea of soliciting sympathy or pity. I don’t want it.

I don’t want people to think of me as vulnerable, damaged, suffering.

……….but……….

At the same time, I do have a large desire to feel known, understood, seen, etc.

That’s a big part of why I write for this email list, honestly. I like people knowing what I’m thinking and what I’m up to. I love talking to someone and them saying, “hey, I read you’re doing X, I’m also doing X” or “I’m also thinking about Y”

That gets me so jazzed. I love it.

I don’t need anyone to say I’m so sorry. I don’t need anyone to try and accommodate me.

But when people tell me “I think I know what you’re going through, here’s my similar story, X happened to me, I felt Y, I did Z…”

I welcome that. Or even something like, “you’re in my thoughts”.

It feels kind of isolating, knowing that I’m in an emotional state much different than most people. Knowing that it’s a heavy thing. Knowing that people are open to helping me carry that heavy thing, even for a few seconds, makes me feel cared about, seen, understood, etc.

Ironically, apologizing can make me feel the opposite. It’s possible I’m a weirdo here, but… it almost feels like an “aahh, get it away from me” kind of response.

Like, this is heavy, I’m unwilling to sit in this moment from you, I don’t want to be part of this social scene with you, I’m uncomfortable with this, I’m going to pay my social tax in the form of condolences so I can move on. Like it’s child support so they don’t have to interact with the kid.

I could also just be *mad* projecting. Who knows.

All I know is I feel like people are there for me when they lean into it. Like, “I’m here if you need me” or “happy to talk about it if you want” or “I feel ya, here’s my story”.

If it’s not something like that.. I’d rather just not hear it, I think?

Or maybe I’m just rebelling against “pleasantry apologies” like they feel like they have to say it.

I don’t really know. I’m still sorting out my feelings.

I hope you have a great Saturday - thanks for hearing me out. I appreciate it!